Death, Pain, Love

So tell me, is it truly possible to know exactly how someone feels? There are empaths in this world, and I am a self-declared one. I have held tears when i see children begging for food, and i feel the pain of the mothers who can't provide it. And when I say feel the pain, I really feel that physical pain in your chest that we associate with emotional pain. I'm sure a lot of people feel this way, but that's not all there is to it. I take the pain as my own, and that's the difference. Most people sympathize but not empathize. This may be a gift or a curse. Who knows.

It was different yesterday. We went to see a friend in the hospital. We were supposed to see him in the morning. His mother was getting worse, and he probably needed someone to channel his fears to. We told him we will see him later in the day.

Later that day, he told us his mother had passed away.

I choked, i felt nauseated, and my gut suddenly felt shallow and empty like how you feel during the first drop of a roller coaster ride. We were in a mall when we got the terrible news. My boyfriend and i did not talk for 5 whole minutes; we just walked aimlessly. And then we snapped out of it; we talked about other things---where to eat and what else to buy. I suddenly thought of the people inside the mall. How many else had gotten terrible news right at that moment? How many else had lost a loved one that day? I could never tell just as they could never tell that we have a friend who just lost his mother. 

We had dinner with another one of our friends, and we all went straight to the hospital after. When we got there, he told us again that his mommy was gone and grieved his mother's deplorable death. The boys gave him a hug for a good three minutes. I stood there and looked at the heart-wrenching scene. His eyes were swollen and tired, but most of all, his eyes were the saddest eyes I have seen for a very long time. I was frozen. I fidgeted with my phone. I was awkwardly twirling my hair. I did not know what to do. I could not find the right words to say.

Should I say sorry? No. There's nothing a sorry can do.

Should I say be strong? No. I know he's strong.

Instead, I asked if he was okay, and yes, I am fully aware that it was the most irrelevant question ever.

I told you.

I really did not know what to say, and I regret saying something like that just for the sake of it.

He finally let us in, and there lay his mom. She was still on her hospital bed but this time, inside a body bag with the zipper still half open, which gave us a great view of his mother's face. She had a faint smile on her face as if saying she had a good one. I could only imagine how painful it would be for him when they zip that body bag up, when they lay her in her coffin, and finally, when they bury her 6 feet under. Each seems to act as a confirmation that she really has to go---each time just as painful.

But I did not feel anything.

I could not feel his pain like I used to with other people. I was there, standing between the living and the dead. I was staring right through the eyes of death, and yet, I did not feel anything. Maybe I was up too close, and I couldn't make out what was in front of me. Maybe I needed to take a step back and look at it from a different angle or step back a little further to get the bigger picture.

We went home, and I thought about this for a while. It was midnight when I realized that what he was experiencing was the ultimate kind of pain. His eyes told me so. And when one is experiencing this kind of pain, only he himself can feel this. Not even empaths can share this kind of pain. This explains why comforting words will never work. Only he himself has the ability to heal his wounds, and the best thing the people around can do is wait and send all the love they can give. Wait and love.

Love.

And more love.

 

Ego tripping

These are the things i like and dislike, the things i'm scared of and the things i believe in.

I secretly like blackouts. Although electricity has got to be one of my favorite inventions, yes, i secretly like blackouts. The boredom, the silence, the fact that i am forced to look around and pay close attention to the things around me like the sound of someone's footsteps, the knock on the door, the fluttering snowflakes, the crickets and birds. I like fruits, especially avocados. I also like green mangoes dipped in soy sauce. I like bananas, melons and peaches. I like strawberry-flavored chocolates, but i'm not a fan of eating the fruit by itself. I like broccolis sauteed in olive oil with a dash of pepper and salt. I like rain. I like cloudy. I like trains, and sleep there soundly. I like sunny days but not hot, humid days. I like foggy weather. I also like steam. I like sitting under a misting system on a hot summer day. I just like it when the air is hazy. I like shaved ice. I like snow. I just really like ice in general. I like it when restaurants put so much ice in my drink. I could chew on ice forever. I don't want to state the obvious but i really like music, different kinds of music. I'm a big radiohead fan. I cried when i saw them live. I like getting on a train and just get off at an unknown station and explore the town. I like poetry, both reading and writing. I like books. I like kerouac, tolstoy, murakami, fitzgerald, hemingway and yeats. I like woody allen and i like his films. I like long warm showers. I like soaking in the tub. In fact, let me get in the tub and continue writing this there. I like afternoons, it's my favorite time of the day. I like music festivals. I like crystals. I like stars. I like any citrus smell. I like gervic's smell, even if he smells like cigarettes and alcohol most of the time. I like the after-sex atmosphere. I like smoking up at the beach or the mountains or at some abandoned treehouse.

I don't like people who talk too much, they make me so uncomfortable. I especially don't like people who kiss other people's ass. I don't like waiting. I don't like making people wait. I don't like phone calls. I don't like it when someone cleans my room without me and i just get lost after. I don't like looking for things. I don't like mcdonald's. I don't like tangled wires. I don't like the imperial family or the royal family. I don't like it when my battery percentage is an odd number, it drives me nuts. I don't like the mayonnaise they make in the philippines.

I am a big fan of life. I love life. I am not scared of dying but i am so scared of that few seconds you spend before you die when you know you're about to die. Most of all, i am scared of losing the people i love. Just the thought of it sends specks of shattered glass into my heart. I believe in stoicism. I believe in objectivism. I believe in reincarnation. But there are also days when i just don't believe in anything. Like today.

You, Me

There's this man, he's wonderful

His eyes like evening with stars bright

And his hair, oh his messy hair she loves to brush with her fingers

And run them down to the back of his neck

And his lips, she loves to touch with hers

His scattered facial hair, she hates

That when he kisses the apples of her cheeks, she squints

But that squint reaches for more, she doesn't know why

Maybe it's that feeling that warms her up inside

Or the cool breeze that rushes through the surface of her skin

By now i hope you realize i'm talking about you, and me

How can i go on with my day without you, my darling

Please tell me you are going to be there for the rest of my life

Unless you want to see me wilt

And please tell me you won't crush my heart

For i'm already too crippled from loving you too much

But i wouldn't want it the other way

Because you're my king, my superstar, my hero, my love - my one and only love

And most of all, you are the missing part of my divine soul that i had been looking for

♡Manganese

The Pink Floyd Epiphany

Many nights i've asked my ceiling, or the walls in my room - is earth really my home? Many days i've searched for something beautiful, something eccentric or extraordinary, or maybe something that made me simply happy. Something that is not pushed by the illogical minds of the majority which in result led many into oblivion. Something natural where people don't have to stick a needle right into their veins; because the scene of it makes me inevitably sad. Right now i sit at this verandah as i watch my friends learning a new water sport. I can't hear them; they are too far away. But i watch them as i watch the ocean expand as the wind sift in through the palm leaves. I have everything i need at this moment - beer, cigarettes, music and the lovely view from this olive green hammock. In case you're wondering, i'm listening to Selah Sue's Black Part Love. 'Be who you are now, be who you're supposed to be', she sings. Songs like these are simple yet they make you light a cigarette, look up and smile. And sometimes music and cigarettes just come in handy especially when you're taking a long, boring dump on the earth's crust. And even if i'm just sitting here like an old lady who just lost her memory, i think right now is enough. Even if others think it isn't - because we all have these contrasting ideas of indifferences - i'd like to think it is. This is who i am, this is the way i live. I am not in control of anything in this world but I love to plunge myself into different kinds of joy once in a while. I am sure everybody else does. Now that i've finished writing this, i'm not quite sure if this answered my question, or not. I don't even know if i made sense. But i can assure you that i wrote in all honesty so i guess that's okay. Because really, all we need is enough. We don't really need a big change, most of the time, little compromises are just as big.

♡Manganese

Birthday Poem for John

once on a dark, gloomy afternoon

she walked the alley

she found a tree, a strange tree

or was it a flower with an enormous stem

she couldn't tell

she bent over to examine it

and the tree,

or was it a flower with an enormous stem

surprised her with a kiss

she blushed, kissed back

and the alley floated in space

she floated in space

and the tree,

or was it a flower with an enormous stem floated in space

together

The end

Love always,

Natsumi & Hadley

♡Manganese

Nipa Hut

Sitting on a porch with her Virginia Slims on a very fine Wednesday evening

Night owls humming her favorite music

Sirens howling, dogs screaming, ocean waves whispering

The rattling of the universe, the explosion of stars inside your mouth

The bombing in the depths of the earth and the splashing sound of the fishes

All of these, she doesn't want to miss

Did you know that you don't want to miss any of these either?

Did you know  that you don't want to miss even the bad things?

The bad things that make you feel sad, really sad

The bad things that made you say 'good night, good bye'

The exact bad thing that brought her to that porch on a very fine Wednesday evening

When her friends are drinking and having one of the best times

The best times she would have kept forever

The best times she would have remembered as very special

But you can never hide away the invisible knife stuck inside your guts

You want to throw up

You want to roll over the place in pain

You want to be taken to the nearest hospital by an ambulance

If only you knew what to say to the doctors how that invisible knife got stuck inside your guts

So now, you would rather be sitting alone on another porch from the other side of the earth

You would rather listen with your right ear to every single sound the nature produces

And the other ear you dedicate to your body and soul's longing

Because you don't want to miss any of these things

Not one single thing left out

And did you know that there are other million people sitting on their porch right now? 

Feeling the exact same feeling that is making you feel sad

Pondering on the bad things they are embracing

And also the good things they are missing

Well, I thought you should know

And you might as well know that it is okay to feel shitty, and remorseful and happy

All at the same time, all at the same fucking time

♡Manganese

Battles, Wars, Scars

You are in a bad dream of all sorts, unable to move, unable to speak. You are just stuck in the woods like a bird with cursed wings. And although you are completely aware of the fact that the rebel humanity invented time for convenience's sake, you feel bad for going against it. The axis of time, you once smirked at its silliness, now devouring your whole transition, like an egg coagulating. But at least, you think, eggs can still serve another function. You are the perfect example of a recipe for disaster, going towards the opposite direction of a perfectly harmonious marching band. But it's okay. It's okay to be stagnant. It's okay to be void and empty because you know these are just the absence of the opposite. And you know that nothing stays in one form so there's no way you're going to stay like that forever. But you know deep down your core that you want to win over your defective physical container of your divine soul. And as much as you want to reach into conclusions, there are no conclusions. As what Oshima, coincidentally a hemophiliac, said in Murakami's Kafka on the Shore, novels without conclusions are perfectly fine. And you realize that he was right. Conclusions, after all, are concepts disguised as the effects of your actions and you can always change that; remember, always.

-Manganese